The Many Deaths of Eric Ross
by Kyia.L.Kenobi
Summary: How many ways can I kill off Eric Ross? A series of comedy one shots concerning the death of my 'fave' nightworld character. Will continue for as long as I can be bothered. If South Park can do it so can I!
1. Chapter 1

The Many Deaths of Eric Ross

If you've read my version of strange fate ( which I will finish but like LJ its no fun if I don't make you wait a little bit for it) you'll know the special place I have in my heart for Thea Harman's soulmate. So this is gonna be a load of one shots of how many different ways I can have him killed off. Will keep doing it for as long as my imagination holds out! Oh and check out my Nightworld World of Warcraft crossover. :)

Eric bounced up and down on his bed with excitement, he could not believe it, Thea was really here, she was living in his house!!!!! They were gonna be together forever and ever and have children and a puppy and errrr more puppies.

He caught sight of his head moving in and out of the mirror as he bounced, aware of his idiot grin. That was okay, it was his usual expression.

Thea poked her blonde head around the door "I'm all unpacked" she smiled shly.

"Great" He ran up to her and squeezed her as tight as he could. Eric had never been great with girls, they had always found his cheesy chat up lines a tad 'much'. Now one was living with him!!!!!!

"Ummm listen" Thea said gasping for breath "There's sort of a box of witch stuff under my bed. Its locked but its not a good idea if anyone but me opens it, so keep your mom and sister away from it okay"

"What's in it" He craned his neck back to look at her

She shrugged, her face turning a bright shade of beetroot because the moron still hadn't let go "Nothing, just witch stuff"

Eric let go looking as disappointed as a kid who had just got a socks for christmas instead of a xbox. "Fineeeeeee" He whined. "I'll try"

"Good" She kissed him lightly on the cheek and ran from the room.

To give Eric credit, he made it all the way through dinner. Thea had to run to the store for Reeses Cups and Sprite because stupid home cooked human food like roasted Badger, and Southern Fried Kitten. She had wondered why Eric worked at the vets.

Eric sat on his hands during dinner, but that had not worked. He had tried playing Cat's cradle with his little sister, who had told him that it was just a socio political way to get women to be good home-makers. That hadn't worked.

He climbed the stairs to Thea's bedroom.

"No, I can't I CAAAAANNNNNNNNTTTTT" But he knew he was. Under her bed was a carved wooden box with a big lock on it and a post it. The post it said "Do not open, this means YOU ERIC"

"Damn" But he was going to anyway. He took his penknife out of his pocket and pried open the lock............

Thea walked back into her bedroom munching a Reeses cup. Eric Ross was lying on her bedroom floor in a pool of his own blood. His left leg was mauled and his head was missing, bitten clean off. In fact Thea could only tell it was him by his letterman jacket.

"Damn it Eric, I told you not to open that box" Now she was going to have to spend all night looking for Tiggy.


	2. Death By Toaster

"Never gonna give you up" Eric sang to himself, it was going to be a good morning. He was ready to start a new day! He reached into the cupboard for a Oreo poptart and threw it into the toaster. "Never gonna let you down" He pushed the plunger down and turned around, looking for some diet soda. "Never gonna turn around and desert you oooo oooo ohhhhh"

He grabbed a bottle of milk to use as a microphone, briefly wondering if he could down the whole bottle in one go. He tried but only ended up spilling milk all over the floor.

He sniffed the air, what was that smell?

Black smoke was rising from the toaster. Eric put his head over the vent, not smart enough to realise that his hair was being singed off. The poptart had crumbled and got stuck, it would not pop up!!!!

He realised with horror. What could he, Eric Ross, honour student, sportsman and all round amazing guy do????? He looked around the kitchen. The floor was wet still covered in milk.

THERE! On the work top. A fork!

Eric grinned.


	3. Never take a dump in Jurassic Park

Eric didn't usually use public lavatories but when you've gotta go, you've got to go. It was the only stupid one on this sodding island. And since when did you have to pay a quarter to use the lav, he had raged. Thankfully he had his lucky pen knife on him. He sat on the potty with his newpaper. Marmaduke.... is so funnnnnnyyyyyy he chuckled. "No one tells that dawg what do do!" He began to sing "Never gonna give you up..."

Eric reached over for the toilet paper. Where the hell did that dinosaur come from????????


	4. Blaise

Blaise went into the backroom to fetch the 'cup of lethe' fighting back the tears. She wouldn't cry she was a Harman for Goddess' sake. She couldn't believe Thea was doing this, after all the guy was so, well wet. He didn't even have a mazerati. If she was going to get kicked out of the Night World, it wouldn't be for anything less than a Aston Martin DB9 with Pierce B at the wheel. Blaise ran her fingers through her long dark curls, well at least she could spare her the shame of forgetting her heritage. Why did she always have to be the practical one?

It was a good thing she had stashed the real potion days ago. It was just iced tea now. She took a ornate silver chalice out of the cabinet for Thea, and a sippy cup for Eric and began to pour it out.

That's when Blaise noticed the Cillit Bang (Easy Off BAM) on the work surface. A sly smile played on her lips. Well after all she was the practical one! She reached for Eric's sippy cup.

Thea shrugged as Eric writhed on the floor and turned purple. Oh well, at least she would get to keep her room now. And there WERE plenty of other boys at school.


	5. Top Gear!

"AND ACTION" yelled the director.

Jeremy Clarkson slammed on the accelerator and looked straight into the camera "Like most Alpha Romeo's the new Spider is concerned about looks first and performance second. This baby is hotter than a fat man in a sauna, it's sexier than Keira Knightly's brassiere. But try to take a corner, and it has problems chewing gum and steering at the same time"

The Top Gear presenter yanked the wheel and the Spider streeched, the helicopter shot of the car on the streets of this small town in Nevada showed smoke streaming from its tyres. The Spider's back end flew out and Clarkson turned back to the camera.

"Prepare for a bumpy ride!" He grinned

"We're no strangers to loooovvvveeee. You know the rules and so do I, I, I" Eric sang along to his mp3 player. It was a beautiful sunny day and he felt like singing. "IIIIIIIIIII just wanna tell you how I'm feeling" He turned it up, he loved this song. He did a little dance as he was approaching the main road, feeling like that guy out of footloose.

"Now lets see how she handles at top speed" Clarkson yelled at the top of his lungs.

The Spider left a beautiful Eric shaped red splatter on the asphalt.


	6. Poltergeist

Eric was sitting watching Sesame Street, after all the cookie monster was awesome. It was the best thing to watch when he couldn't sleep. He had come down late in the middle of the night ignoring the storm outside, he was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the room staring up at the tv. Next to him was a toy phone. The American national anthem started to play "We're no strangers to lovvveeeee, you know the rules and so doo I I I,"

"Drat!" Eric cursed, unusually harsh. Rick Astley could only mean one thing, regular programming had ended and now the channel would become static. Now he would never find out what today's letters were.

The toy phone next to him began to ring.

"Strange"

He picked it up

"Grandma?"

"Uh huh, uh huh, yes I'll be good"

He put the phone down "Weird"

Suddenly the TV began to glow, Eric tried to run but strange ghostly hands caught him from behind.

He screamed like a girl as he was dragged back into the TV.

"Ooooooh, pretty light. Wonder what's in there"


	7. Sunbed

Please Review, just so I know you guys are enjoying the pain I'm putting Eric through. Oh A Eric vs Edward Cullen Story is being written as we speak! Although he might survive this one as I'm putting him through enough.

Eric wandered into the solarium and paid for his standard six minutes. It was very important to have a tanned torso when on the swim team, after all, no one wants a sparkly white Eric do they?

Noooooo this Eric had to be lightly toasted.

The woman at the desk nodded without looking up from her copy of Cosmo. The place was cheap, cheaper than the place all the Cheerleaders used. But that was probably just as well, as he was always broke, plus he didn't really want a reputation at school apart from the one of being a generally awesome and stand up kind of guy. No Sunbed Guy did not have the same ring to it as Eric Ross, Varsity, Honour Roll and all round dude.

He took his tokens and strode into room number 6, it was his favourite bed, he had named it Rick.

The door was even standing wide open for him. HOW convenient, he did not even have to reach for the handle.

Eric shut the door and twisted the locking mechanism

On the other side of the door, the side he couldn't see, was a big fat out of order sign.

He dropped his trousers and put on the funny dark goggles and stood for a moment posing in the full length mirror.

"Stomach in, Stomach out, Stomach in, Stomach out. Oh you are funny Ross"

He took off the rest of his clothes and put his tokens in the sunbed.

The machine whirled to life and the fans started up.

He got into the bed and pulled down the lid.

IT SLAMMED SHUT.

The hinge locked

Eric whistled away, blissfully unaware.

Seven minutes later the machine was still going, and Eric had no sense of time, and could not count.

He smiled as his skin began to turn a light brown colour

"Hmmm lightly toasted"

He pushed up, the lid did not move, he pushed up again harder, still nothing.

Steam began to rise from the sunbed

Lightly Toasted.


	8. Sylar!

Sorry its been awhile, actually had a life this week. Promise to update Edward vs Eric as well :p

Strange Fate however is finished, hope you were as ticked off by my ending as we no doubt gonna be by LJ Smiths (after such a long wait lets face it its going to be a let down so I was just sticking to the genre of parody)

The sun shone down brightly in the little town in Nevada. Sylar walked slowly, keeping to the shadows preferring to remain noticed. He hated this town, it was so bright and cheery. So....well cheesy. He had put on a hick accent just for the sheer hell of it.

He paced like a predator feeling that hunger deep within him, it was always there, tick tock tick tock. The hunger for more power. Now he had that list from that gullible scientist all he had was track them down, like some starving panther looking for prey.

His prey was THEM, the different ones, different like him, but not like him. Because he knew how to strip it from them. It was all in the brains. Messy but effective.

He smiled slightly, knowing the next one was near. He arrived at the door, a tool belt on his stained blue overalls. Gas man, the old cliches were always the best.

He knocked at the door with three light taps, a grin of white teeth on display.

"Eric Ross?"

"Yup?" Eric bounced in the doorway, his blonde hair flapping on his forehead, Sylar would soon correct that.

"I've come to read the meter" Sylar flashed a library card so quick that the dim witted boy failed to read it, which was fine. Eric Ross was supposed to be able to breathe underwater, but that didn't mean he had to be bright.

"Cool, come in" He stepped back.

Sylar smiled again. "Thank you sir" He replied in his hick accent. He looked around the house, using his super hearing to check they were alone. He did not like to be disturbed.

"Would you like a coke?" Eric offered

"No" Sylar turned to face him, glaring menacingly, he had praticed that look with his eyebrows for hours in the mirror and knew the fear of God it put into people "I'd like something else"

Eric clearly was too stupid to get it however "Orange juice?"

Sylar sighed "No"

"Milk?"

"NO!"

"Gator aid, we're out of the blue one but I might have some of the orange one left"

Sylar had enough, he reached out with his telekinesis and blew the fuses in the house, surely that would shut him up "No"

"Oh geez louise, it looks like a circuit breaker" Eric sulked, he hoped the nice gas man could sort it so he could go back to listening to his Rick Astley albums.

Sylar rolled his eyes in the dark, there would be no exciting chase this time, no hunt and kill. This time he would have to just kill him to stop him from offering cold beverages. "Fine"

_Ten minutes later._

Sylar wiped his hands, well THAT had never happened before. Eric was laying with his skull opened on the floor, completely dead. He had shut up eventually. For a while he had done that dead chicken thing which had put him off, had that been it Sylar wondered?? No he was a killer, nothing stopped him. But then WHY? Did it happen to all men? Sylar had eaten the brain bit, but when he shoved his head in the kitchen sink he couldn't breathe underwater. What was wrong with him.

Sylar pulled out his list exasperation.

Then he saw what was wrong.

Eric C. Ross.

Ohhhhhhh

This was Eric G Ross!

Oops!


	9. It was sue's idea

Err this one is more for the Brits (based on a news story about our pm) so apologies the rest of the World. Next one is a proper night world death to make up for it :)

Eric was having a nice chat with a very nice man. This woman called Sue had dragged him off the street and asked if he would like to talk to the PRIME MINSTER of the United Kingdom. Sue had sat him down and carefully explained that he would be on Sky News and to mind his manners, and that afterwards he would get a cookie.

Eric jumped up and down with delight. Thea would love him lots and lots and lots after he was famous! She surely would not put a snake in his bed this week! Sue stood there in her two piece blue suit. Surely this one would not cause Gordon a problem, she had asked all the usual screening questions, have you read a newspaper in the last thirteen years? No? Great! They'd travelled all the way to the U.S to find someone who would make Gordon Brown look good on camera. After all there were no life long die hard labour supporters left in Britain for him to 'assure'.

She'd settled for Americans with the favourite colour red. Dimly she wondered why she had taken this job in the first place, she had been offered a job on Britain's Got Talent searching for rubbish people to fill the early auditions but nooooo she had wanted to work in politics. She could have been responsible for Stavros Flatley! Imagine the glory.

She grabbed Eric by his shirt and thrust him in front of Gordon.

"So" Gordon chuckled pulling a smile out of only one side of his mouth "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A Vet" Eric grinned broadly "I like puppies and animals and puppies and more puppies"

Gordon's smile spread to the rest of his face. At last his intellectual equal! He was sick of being bullied by Nick and David in the house of commons. "And Kittens!"

Eric's face fell "No not kittens"

Gordon scowled. "But who doesn't like kittens? They're cute and fluffy and great for the economy. This country needs kittens if its to avoid a double dip recession. The REST of Europe has kittens!"

Eric pouted and crossed his arms "I DON'T like kittens" he stammed his foot, he didn't care if this was the Priminster, kittens sucked. "They scratch and bite, plus their wee smells funny"

When Gordon did that fake chuckle Sue knew she was in trouble. Simon Cowell wouldn't have given her this much trouble, plus she was pretty sure he hated kittens too. Still he continued, trying to out argue the high school boy. " Kittens are vital for the stability of this country. They are the most prudent way to deal with the deficit. What you don't want at a time like this is to lose kittens and risk further job cuts and interest rate rises."

Sue blinked not sure what the hell kittens had to do with interest rates, neither did Eric. He let out a almighty sigh. "Kittens are LAME"

Gordon looked like he was about to pass out. It was the ultimate insult from which he could formulate no witty reply, no figures would magically form in his brain to counter such a vicious attack. Eric had used the word LAME. It was all over, on Sky News.

Sue grabbed Gordon and hustled him into a car.

Gordon glared at her and pushed her out the other side. She was clearly fired. That was fine with her. Jeremy Kyle was hiring. Sue suddenly realised she had not 'had time' to take off Gordon's microphone. Oh well, push her out of a car and what do you expect.

Sky News were playing back the recording sniggering to themselves. Sue grabbed Eric and headed for the monitors.

Ted, Bill and Norman sat next to Gordon as the blacked out BMW speed off.

"How did go?" Ted asked, he had already guessed by the tears streaming down the PM's face.

"It was a disaster" he muttered. "She should never have put me with that boy"

"Who's idea was that?" Bill asked

"Sue's I think" Gordon spat, "It was just ridiculous" He did love his childish rants.

"What did he say?" Asked Norman sympathetically, clearly after Sue's old job. Looking after Gordon's spare eye was the worst job.

"Oh Everything. He hates Kittens! He's just a bigoted boy!"

Sue grinned as it came out over the monitor. So did Sky News. Now they had a huge story!

Eric began to cry. "But Kittens are Lame, they ARE"

Sue looked at the news crew, they looked back at her. They knew this story would read a lot better done this way. Plus they were voting Conservative. The Chief Grip took out some electrical wire and Sue held Eric down whilst he strangled him.

The next day the headline read. GORDON KILLS BOY WITH BIGOT INSULT – Gordon Brown makes a gaff and after hearing it the poor boy drops down dead from the 'hurt'.


	10. Thea and the snake!

This is my take on what ACTUALLY happened with the whole scene in with the snake at the school. I did promise a proper nightworld death!

Thea just heard the voices to start with. It was her first day of school, why couldn't the Goddess give her a break. All she wanted to do was get through the day hope in that time Blaise could only manage half the football team.

"Call nine-one-one"

"I told you to kill it Eric"

She pushed her way through the mob. Thea knew that being little didn't mean that she couldn't place a elbow in the correct space between the ribs. People let you past if they were collapsed on the floor.

It was a snake, all this fuss over a snake. A rattler, which was as hot and bothered as she was. It was a scorcher of a day, she was sweaty, her hair was now messed up from budging past a crowd of people with sticks.

"Yeah I know how you feel snake" She muttered. It like her, just wanted some shade and a pina colada. The rattler was going to bite someone soon, her witchy spidey sense was telling her that. Not that she cared, if the vermin were stupid enough to play with a poisonous snake when it clearly wanted to be left alone then they deserved a visit to intensive care. But she did feel sorry for the snake. Poking it like that wasn't going to do its complexion any good.

"Fine" She muttered to herself. She took out her backpack and dropped to her knees. Its not like I like this skirt or anything, she muttered to herself. Its not like this is going to make me late to class on my first day and get me into trouble AGAIN. Its not like I couldn't use another coat of lipgloss.

She reached out with her witchy powers trying to calm it down.

A boy stumbled into the crowd "What ya doin!"

Thea cursed, the snake struck.

Eric pushed into Thea, he'd heard that pushing pretty girls over was a great way to get them to like you and this one seemed to have a snake charging at her.

"Hi my name's Eric Ross are you new?" he held out his hand.

Thea didn't want to mention that he had attached to his leg pumping in poison happily through his fangs but she thought it was only polite. "Ummm Thea, I should take this"

She reached out and grabbed the snake by the head, it was reluctant to let go, it seemed to like sinking his teeth into this boy. She kept her hand on its head but kept thrashing around. "Would you mind grabbing the tale" She asked, dimly wondering how he was still standing.

"Oh sure!" He seemed extremely happy she had asked "Thea that's a pretty name!"

"Yeah" She ignored him, focusing on the snake. The poor thing wasn't too happy, she just wanted to get it into some shade then get herself some more lipgloss, then the world would be right again.

The crowd of people stood back and let them pass. They walked out into the brush, Thea wanted to take it away from the school. She didn't want to risk it would find its way back. Poor snake, poor poor snake. The boy was still ranting on, something about her joining zoology. Actually she was a little impressed he wasn't dead yet.

"Here's fine" She said "On the count of three throw, one two three"

They threw the snake and it slithered off and Thea felt a brief well of pride swelling up in her.

Eric stood, looking at her. Suddenly he panicked. He was ALL ALONE! With a girl, with a pretty girl! If he played this one right, he Eric Ross, all around American good guy and president of the Good Spellers association might even get a GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!! He went for his usual pick up line, the one that didn't usually get him slapped "You're beautiful, I've never seen anybody like you, its like there's a mist all around you, you're so mist -erious" He thought he got extra points for the whole mist/mysterous thing. That was truly awesome.

Thea laughed. She couldn't help it, hoped for a second that it was delirium from the snake bite but then he got out his notebook with the worm doodles and she realised he was in fact serious.

Eric began to sing, he liked making up songs about people, he was head of the folk music society "Its like you're part of everything out here, you belong to it" he warbled, this one James Blunt was currently buying the rights for "and there's so much peace.....don't go" He pulled a heart broken face "Don't go oh THEA" His voice went into falsetto "Don't go"

"Are you nuts or is your brain just overheated or something?" Thea asked.

Eric pouted, the song had been awesome, he had at least expected to be in her bra by now. "Will you go out with me?"

"No"

"Please" he begged "I'll show you my house and puppies and stuff"

"No" Thea repeated "Plus since that rattler took a big bite I'd say you've got about a minute to live"

Eric look astounded "The snake bit me! When?"

Thea shook her head, she probably could save him, Blaise had a carnelian on her necklace, if she sprinted she could catch her grab it and run back, but then she would trash her hair even more than it already was, and she didn't want to look a complete wreck on her first day. "Never mind" She started to walk back to school.

Eric started to lose all feeling in his limbs "Cool"

Three days later they found a body mauled by coyotes. His mother identified him by the Rick Astley stickers on his backpack.


	11. Keller snaps!

Don't say I don't give my reviewers their wish. :)

Galen Drache was sitting with his bestest friend in the whole wide world! Eric Ross! Even though Eric was vermin, it was cool because they both liked Dungeons and Dragons and poetry. Eric's limericks kicked ass. It was all that Rick Astley. Mummy and Daddy Drache didn't mind them hanging out in Galen's basement as long as he wiped down everything Eric had touched after he left.

Galen was currently re-writing Keller's mum's poem for the 99th time. Since he figured it had got such a awesome reaction the first time, it was definitely worth milking.

Keller sat in the corner of Galen's parents basement. When he had suggested she moved in with him, this what NOT what she had in mind. The original words of her mother's poem came to her.....and you will always be alone. Well not at the moment she wasn't. She couldn't get two minutes alone to pluck her eyebrows or wax her unmentionables, not without Galen staring at her strangly or Mrs Drache popping down and asking 'if she needed anything dear?' Plus the washing machine was down here. She was living in a laundry room! Circle daybreak barracks were a breeze compared to this, at least they were functional, at least they were QUIET. Galen and Eric, who was over so much she wondered if Galen was dating him, never shut up.

Hair started to sprout through her jump suit. Yes she had so much rage. She should have just let Illiana have him.

Galen rose from his neon green inflatable chair (complete with holder for beer and remote) and started to read his latest attempt at her poem out loud "and you'll never be alone because I'll love you for ever and ever and ever, my little kitty witty snoochams"

A low growl started in her throat. Her spine arched as she slowly shifted. The sensation was pleasing.

"Dude THAT was awesome" Eric continued from the beanbag chair "Can I borrow it for my poetry slam?"

Keller's fingers extended into claws and her hot rage burned. She just wanted one quiet girly night to put on a facepack and watch some Bridget Jones. Instead she was pulling the xbox controller out of her butt on a regular basis.

"Do you know what we should do?" Galen's eyes widened with excitement

"NO!" Eric stuffed a handful of salt and vinegar pringles into his mouth.

Galen put his arms into the air screaming like a girl "Call of Duty, Modern Warefare!"

Keller couldn't help it, her legs contracted beneath her, all her predator instinct ignited by the thought of another night of watching Eric and Galen having their backsides kicked on xbox live to the sound of Rick Astley. Hell if they had let her have some Paramore on this could have all been avoided.

Her claws flashed as she went straight for the throat.

Three minutes later Keller wiped the blood off her clothes. Eric and Galen dead, half eaten. on the floor. She had been a little hungry as well. Woman can not live on pringles alone.


End file.
